


The Silence of Goodbye is 30 dB

by mutedweather



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Hurt, Hurt Gintoki, I Tried, I'm Sorry, I'm sorry for this, Lovesick Gintoki, Masturbation, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Love, Pain, R-18, there i tagged it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-07 07:59:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17956676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mutedweather/pseuds/mutedweather
Summary: Gintoki's one-sided love for Tsukuyo from Gintoki's perspective. There's no Takatsuki sex this time, sorry. T-T





	The Silence of Goodbye is 30 dB

**Author's Note:**

> When I was sleeping, Takasugi Shinsuke asked me to write this.
> 
> Lyrics by Hamasaki Ayumi

 Simply _having you by my side_  
_Is enough to warm up my heart_  
_I only have a single wish_  
_Is it okay for me to stay in love with you forever_  
_Just like this?_

  
 +-+-+

 

Sakata Gintoki could not remember the first time he was aware that he had fallen for Tsukuyo. It was the passing of time that led him to that realisation.

Time, which breeds familiarity, which breeds fondness, which in turn breeds the growing awareness of her breathless beauty, as layer after layer of her heavily-guarded heart peels away, revealing her untainted soul. Time had made his feelings for her grow. By the time he was aware of those feelings, it was already too late. 

Like a seed that has taken root, there is no way to go, but sprout, and then bloom. _Love is an eternal flower, right?_

That was what he thought.

But he fell, like a pebble into a deep abyss, where the descend was a long drop to the bottom, a bittersweet longing, a squeezing ache in the spread of his chest. 

They call him the hero of a city, Kabukichou - no, a hero of  _two_ cities - including Yoshiwara. But that’s a lie. He did not save Yoshiwara alone. They saved it together, they fought side by side, didn't they? Did he fall for her then? 

A loud drunk, an incorrigible pachinko player, an unrepentant letch, an unreliable employer, and he knows it - a man who cannot provide any woman happiness, Sakata Gintoki inadvertently finds himself stupidly cradling his feelings for Tsukuyo, Heavenly Tayuu of Yoshiwara, softly in his arms.

He knows her favourite spot is at the open balcony, where the shimmering, brightness of her aura appears to mock the dark, ebony night, and the translucent shine of the moon on her pale skin seems to set her aglow. More than once they have conversed here, a little squabbling here and there, like old friends, where he learns that her kindness traverses space and fills the gaps in his soul, where her low laughter eventually pierces his heart and gives it a splash of warmth.

Did he fall for her then?

More than once, she was standing close enough for him to have a faint whiff of something nice in her hair, mixed in with the burning of tobacco in her kiseru. Or did the fragrance come from her body?

_Maybe it happened then?_

 

 

-x-x-x-

  
  
  
_It's true that there are nights_  
_When it's so painful, so painful_  
_That my chest feels like it chokes_

 +-+-+

 

  
Feelings are a very troublesome thing.

Often, he chooses to ignore them. And spectacularly fails. He had unintentionally blurted out a flood of emotionally-charged words at her when he lifted her up from blood-soaked grass, bleeding and battle-worn from a drawn-out war. 

Drifting in and out of consciousness, she muttered a single name.

But the name of the man that slipped out of her lips did not belong to him. Gintoki was aware then, the thousandth definition of pain.

When she came to, that man, Takasugi Shinsuke, was already by her side, holding her hand, stroking her hair. Gintoki did not know what to think of it.

He had, what seemed like a million questions:

When did the Takasugi Shinsuke and Tsukuyo meet? Have these two people even talked? How did he miss this development? Did he blink?

Every event that had transpired up to this moment tells him that he hadn't been paying attention.

A village that needed saving. A town in crisis. A couple separated for 50 years. A child looking for his mother. A grandfather looking for his grandson. A woman looking to go into space to find her lover. A mountain gorilla looking for his mate.

Sakata Gintoki had unwillingly let the woman he fell in love with slip through the cracks between his fingers.

 

 

-x-x-x-

 

 _I want to see you, I want to see you_  
_But I can't, so I want to hear your voice, at the very least_  
_And I'd call you for no reason_

 

 +-+-+

 

 

Desire is a monster waiting to be fed.

Various images of Tsukuyo swim in his mind; her smiling, laughing face, her pensive look whenever she is ruminating over something, her tendency to grab him by the collar and shake him violently through poppy-flushed complexion in an inebriated state. The images fuel a deep yearning for her skin to touch against his. It is a yearning that burns into the depth of his soul, and had caused many sleepless nights. 

He imagines her then, nude and beautiful, kneeling in front of him. She takes out the pins in her hair, and shakes her soft, blonde locks. They fall over her forehead and touched her shoulders, her cheeks flush pink with embarrassment. He shoves his tip onto her closed lips, and as they parted, into her opened mouth. She starts with a gentle lick, rolling her tongue around it as if catching the smooth, melting top of an ice cream cone.

Gintoki feels himself going stiff. And stiffer. He stops short, holds his breath and steadies his grip. He has to slow himself down from stroking too fast, before a loud, uncontrolled grunt escapes from his mouth. Before a sleeping Kagura hears that animalistic grunt from her closet out front in the living room, because knowing her, she would barge in dramatically and cry, _Gin-chan! Are you okay?!_ And Kagura would see him in that horrible, compromising position that would traumatize any child for life. But most important of all, he slows himself down, because he needs to get to the really good part.

Forcing himself to breathe steadily again, he continues to move his palm downward until he reaches his own balls.

_I’m a loser. I’m a loser who wants you, so badly, Tsukuyo. I want all of you. I want you to be mine. Be mine._

He pictures her, and sees her again.

In that vision, she looks up at him, eyes sparkling like amethyst crystals under a silver moonlight. She has gone and made his entire length wet, and is now kissing and sucking his balls at the base. She smiles, as she moves her lips upwards, and then takes the whole thing into her mouth. He grabs her head, and shoves her face up until his tip reaches the back of her throat. She lets out a muffled moan, and then sucks.

Oh, does she know how to suck.

 _You foxy little virgin, you’re a natural at this, aren’t you?_ Was what he would say to her as her strong, powerful tongue warmly embraces his throbbing cock. She doesn’t answer.

Her sucking would be craftily slow and relaxed at first, teasing him, deliberately grazing her front teeth gently along his already sensitive cock, exhaling softly up and down his skin, daring him to cum before she could go fast.

He would let her play with him, and hold his load in, bringing his hand into her tangled hair at the top of her head. Without warning, she now takes it in and out, her cute head bobbing up and down as she sucks harder, and harder, and faster.

She spits out his cock at the last minute, just when it is already swollen, furiously excited, and is dripping of precum. She pushes him over, down on that white futon, crawls over him, and with her hands, lifts his cock into the gap between her enormous tits. She tilts her head to the side seductively, and starts rubbing those tits up and down the shaft.

Gintoki is aware his breathing has quickened considerably. He changes his rubbing motion to the other hand.

She bends down and kisses the tip lightly. Flicks her red tongue around the rim, and then – gives it a big, wet kiss as she takes it in again, his dick still squashed between her breasts.

He suppresses a grunt in his throat. The image flashes, and momentarily dissolves before he forces it back into his mind. 

_No. No, not yet. I want to go inside you. Be mine, be mine._

He’s desperate. Lying on his side on that futon, under the sheets, he now pumps and strokes rapidly, and begins moving his hips back and forth. He scrunches his eyes shut, this time allowing himself to moan her name softly against his pillow.

_Tsukuyo… please. Nngh, Tsukuyo._

He’s already inside her. Wet, full of heat, she straddles him, head arching to the back, slender arms supporting the back of her head, tits bouncing, rocking herself back and forth with pleasure. She moans a name.

The name that comes out from her mouth this time – belongs to him.

Shocks of orgasm stream through his body as he finally comes, spurts of hot, milk-coloured sludge sluggishly trickle down his fingers, onto his blistering palm. 

Gintoki lies there for a long time, waiting for his panting to stop, for his breathing to return to normal, waiting for the tears that have soaked into his pillow to feel less damp, waiting, waiting until he feels that he can forget his shame.

Then he gets up, pulls his pajamas pants back up and goes to the bathroom to wash his hands. He tells himself to remember to put his blanket and futon into the washing machine early tomorrow, before Shinpachi comes.

 

 

-x-x-x-

_I've known_  
_For a long time_  
_That you've found someone important to you_  
_Because your smile says it all_

 

 +-+-+

 

 

She marries the one she loves today. In her beautifully crafted, shiromuku wedding kimono, Gintoki sees Tsukuyo next to her groom in front of the temple.

She is smiling modestly - maintaining that air of perfect poise and elegance, Gintoki thinks - and then shyly when her groom gently takes her hand, whispering something into her ear.

The scene is agonizing for Gintoki to watch, but it is obvious that they are truly in love, and are drowned in each other’s eyes.

And Tsukuyo finally smiles radiantly as the camera man politely gestures, with instructions, for the happy couple to pose for pictures.

 _Isn't that a picture perfect scene_ , Gintoki thinks to himself.  _Aren't you both looking_ _so sweet,_ he wants to ask them both.

He feels as if his heart is drenched in acid.

He had told Takasugi at the last minute that he wouldn't be able to show up for his wedding. Because, because - ah, because he had to pay his automobile tax.

 _Automobile tax?_ Takasugi had eyed him suspiciously. _That’s more important than your childhood friend’s big day?_

Actually, he also had to go for a medical appointment that day. He had forgotten about it, and it is important.  _To treat a broken heart. Hahaha._

He didn't say that last line aloud. 

_There’s been a really, really important something. Yes, it’s more important than your stupid wedding! Go bang your bride tonight! Who wants to attend a stupid wedding like that?_

_That_ was what he had said instead.

Gintoki sees Tsukuyo playfully poked a finger into Takasugi’s side, imploring him to smile for the camera. Because his childhood friend, Takasugi Shinsuke, can sometimes be a poker-faced moron.

_It’s your wedding, asshole. What kind of guy wouldn’t wear a happier smile with a girl like that?_

Takasugi. Takasugi Shinsuke will be the one who will fuck Tsukuyo tonight, Gintoki thinks to himself right then. She will writhe, pant, moan and scream Shinsuke’s name as he fulfills her desire. That's the reality.

Gintoki wants to run. He wants to run, hide, and never return. But he’s there, watching from afar in silence, at a wedding he said he would not attend.

He turns away, and sighs at the bright, blue sky hovering over the temple in Oedo that morning.

Gintoki decides, with much self-loathing and a basin of pathetic, that he really, in truth, is unable to hide from Tsukuyo.

Where can he run off to? Where can he hide?

Come tomorrow, he will be back at his old squatters, a place far too luxurious for his standards, a charity offered to him by an old lady who runs a bar.

There is always someone else who needs him. A village that needs saving. A street in disarray. A corporation that needs to be brought down. A cook who needs to buy some fish. And Gintoki will be there to catch it.

They call Sakata Gintoki a sadist. But that’s a lie. Stubbornly refusing to leave, clinging onto someone who will never love him back _is_ a little too masochistic – but that’s who he really is.

He will hold onto those precious feelings, his unspeakable shame and eternal regret to his grave. The silence of goodbye is not as painfully deafening as it seems.

 

 

 

END


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